Smart Phone, Stupid Decisions: Why My Smartphone Makes Me Dumb

Dear Readers,

Many, many months have passed since I journaled here, and that's a shame indeed. It is sometimes hard in life to find the time to write out what I am feeling and experiencing, and yet it is the very act of recording events in my life which helps me process them. Alas, life is like that: Often what we want isn't what we need, and what we need isn't what we want. And much of life is not only complex and grey, but it is seemingly unfair. 

As a growth-oriented individual, it seems only natural to pen my thoughts on issues I am currently pondering. I have been thinking recently about my smartphone. I love my smartphone, but I also detest it. As much as I cherish all the blessings it brings into my life (which I will shortly list) it also brings with it numerous responsibilities and unpleasantness (which I will also directly address). 

Why I love my smartphone:

-I get to see photographs of my adorable and sweet nieces and nephews on a daily basis. What a treat!

-The World Wide Web is at my fingertips. Any inquiry I suddenly have, any topic I suddenly fancy is  just a simple click away. This is bloody amazing. It makes for a more informed Shira, and helps to encourage my constant curiosity, a lifelong companion of mine. 

- I can call and message people in mere seconds. Communication in the current century is something truly spectacular and incredibly easy to take for granted. 

-Calendar and Reminders! What's the secret to being that true friend who always calls at the exact right time? Who remembers every time you have a test or a doctors appointment? Putting a reminder in your phone! 


Why I despise my smart phone:

-It controls my life, and I am a slave to it. I am conditioned to it's ring, and chained to it's notification sounds. I feel like it makes my decisions for me. It's always one step ahead of me and I follow, somewhat helpless, in it's wake as it dictates my daily choices and actions.

-Brain space. I cannot fully focus on work, books, conversations, dishes I am cooking, or really anything when the little troublesome device is around, seducing me with it's flashing lights and alluring vibrations. 

-Social media. As inspiring and attractive as these platforms can be (and they do spread an unbelievable amount of good in the world), they also distort reality, and shift the focus from the beauty of a photo or post, to the amount of likes or shares it gets. Our human brains cannot help but make the obvious conclusion: the more 'likes' or 'shares' something has the more true that it must be. But wait, what? Does that even make any sense?

-Facebook, specifically, seems to create an environment where strangers feel comfortable to tear others down, without basis or reason, and certainly without familiarity of the person. It happened to me and to my friends. It's truly disgusting the amount  of bullying one can expect when opening up their Facebook page.


-My attention span. I struggle to make it through a film without glancing at my little screen. I have to push myself to continue reading the chapters of my book without pausing to just check if anyone wrote me, or see if there is a new photo I should see. 

-I get a false sense of friendship and this affects my emotional state. If I don't get any messages I feel sad, unpopular, and despondent. This is absurd! I know this on an intellectual level, and yet I can't help the unfounded feelings of rejection and worthlessness that wash through me when I unlock the screen only to see no new notifications.


And so, friends, for many months I have been trying to figure out a way to stop. I tried not being on my smart phone for 12 hours, from 7pm to 7am. I think I lasted fifteen minutes. I realized that the more pressure I put on myself, the more stressed and obsessive I got. So I backed down, and decided to start smaller. I put my phone on airoplane mode before I went to sleep. Not only is this a good decision health-wise, but it is an empowering personal choice: I, Shira the human being, get to decide when I don't want to receive any more stimulation at night. I get to determine if I will be woken from the buzzing of my phone, or if I can just look in the morning.

Around this time, I also realized that even if I didn’t go on a “phone fast” for 12 hours, I could still choose blocks of time I wasn’t on my phone. I started just leaving my phone in the back while I was at work, or setting it on my bed while I went to sit with my family in the den. My, oh my, what a lovely thing this is! I began to find myself more present, more sharp, and more kind. Suddenly, my mind was clear and I could remember things from long ago, or make intelligent connections. I feel like my mind was sitting in goop and now it’s been cleaned out.


The biggest take-away for me was an understanding with myself that I am in control of my smart phone, and not it of me. If there are days I want to be on it all day, and be distracted that is okay, it is my choice and my call. And when I want to focus, to be present, to think, or even to daydream, then I can put my phone down and walk away. 

There is beauty in balance

There is power in gradual-ity

And there is value in being truly present

I remain yours etc,
Shira

Happy 5 Year Aliyah Anniversary!

A couple Haikus to mark the auspicious day:

Five years ago today

I left my home to come home

Oh how strange that is 

Israel is my home

People cut in line and shout

Israel is my home

The Much Expected and Grossly Overdone “New Year Reflection” Post

Dearest Readers,

Here I am, like every other blogger, writing a reflective post bidding 2018 farewell and welcoming 2019. I find myself in a place in life where it is much simpler for me to reflect on my past than try to predict my future. This post, then, will echo that sentiment, and focus generally on what was and not on what may or may not come to pass.

I will note that my dearest sister penned some lovely thoughts and accomplishments of her year, and I was inspired not only by her words, but by the structure of her writing. I shall attempt to also mold my post into a work easy to follow and navigate. Please note that both my list of epiphanies and my list of philosophical queries are too lengthy to explore each item in this blog post. Therefore, I shall limit them to an index of topics that may or may not be analysed at a later date on this platform.

The following caveat must, I think, be stated: The year 2018 was not an easy year. I am aware that many people say this, and I think that although some may think this cheapens the thought, perhaps it lends some clarity and even empathy to the fact that many people struggle.

Philosophy:

This year I was privileged to have some great discussions with several sensitive, intuitive, and sharp minds. My sister was one of my foremost comrades in my musings and I cherish her for that.  A sample of some of my philosophical queries follows (certainly each discussion demands a post of its own, and may one day even materialize):

• Veganism as a religious value and concept
• Personal growth in the context of Nature vs. Nurture
• Facing one’s fears: universal or personality-dependant
• Meeting society’s expectations and living with the decisions that ensue
• Human accountability and the hypocritical temptations of judgment (especially in politics)  

Travel:

I was blessed with the opportunity to travel this year. I had never before boarded a plane for mere pleasure (excluding my Taglit trip) and I enjoyed getting to experience touring a foreign country with no real “purpose” aside from enjoying myself. I learned a few valuable lessons from my wanderings. Presumably the greatest knowledge gained was that in this century I am not trapped in my country. I do not need to live in forests and next to waterfalls to revel in their glory… I can just visit them. This glaringly obvious understanding thoroughly changed me. I returned to Israel content and peaceful in a way I hadn’t been since moving. I spent months and months mourning the loss the smell of the forest after rain and the feel of moss beneath my fingertips. My travels taught me that I can be satisfied with the climate and culture I choose to spend my day-to-day life in, and if I need a break or have the opportunity, I can go seek those comforts elsewhere. They didn’t really disappear.

While traveling I also came to understand that it is important to have opinions about things to see and places to be. Being easy-going all the time is not entirely healthy. It is good to remain flexible but it is also imperative to assert oneself regarding issues that are important to a person and even personal preferences.

Personal Growth:

I underwent several personal developments  and realizations this year, which I daresay is not only expected, but furthermore desirable.

• I recognized that I enjoy being out of doors.  

• I had an epiphany where I realized the difference between personal accountability at all times and relying on family and close friends.

• I explored my personality type (“type one”) and contrasted it with those of others close to me.

• I painfully learned what it means to achieve failure.

• I learned (and still am learning) to sift through friends and sort out those who really care for one another and are healthy from those that are, not to offend, basket cases.

• I started experiencing feelings so strong and tumultuous that I lack words to describe and articulate them. Now that, dear readers, for an individual who takes comfort from the written word and finds shelter in the arms of language, is truly terrifying.

Although it is overdone indeed, I shall like to close with gratitude. I want to thank my parents and siblings for their continuous support, sensitivity, and understanding of the being who is before you on this page, despite the pandemonium she sometimes caused and experienced this year. I want to acknowledge those wise souls who listened to and guided me through varied rough patches this year--you know who you are, and thank you so much. I want to take a moment to recognize those who fought and fell before me so I would have the right to be sitting here writing a blog post. Thank you.

אני באמת אף פעם באמת לא יודעת מה לרשום בסופי הפוסטים שלי. אני עוד לא ברמה שאני יכולה לכתוב מה שכתבתי והסברתי באנגלית. לפיכך אני אשאל "איך חיים?" החיים ... מזיזים וממשיכים. אני לא אגיד שאני לא באיבוד, אלא נדמה לי שאני סוג של גרה באיבוד. למרות זאת, אני מתקדמת, צעד צעד.  כשאני מסתכלת אחורה בשנת 2018 אני רואה תמונה שהיא מטושטשת. הרגשות נפלאות וחוויות חבל על הזמן. אבל אני גם רואה חושך וכאב. החיים הם לא פשוטים, ואני מקווה ששנה הבא תביא תמונה ברורה יותר. מעל זה, אני מאוד מקווה שאפילו אם חפצים שנמצאים בתוך התמונה לא משתפרים, שאני אלמד איך לכוון את העדשה.

Translation: I really never know how to end my posts in Hebrew. I still haven't reached the level where I can write and explain what I wrote in English. Therefore, I’ll just ask “how’s life?” Life...moves and goes on. I won’t say I’m not lost, rather I sort of live in Lost. Despite this, I progress: step by step. When I look back at 2018 I see a blurry photograph. Feelings that were wonderful and experiences out of this world. But I also see darkness and pain. Life, isn't simple and I hope that next year brings a clearer picture. Even more so, I really hope that even if the items inside the  photograph don’t improve, that I will learn how to adjust the lens.

I remain yours etc,

Shira

Shana Tova!

BS”D

Hello dear readers,

Another year, and another month for introspection and reflection. I have aged, as is the common practice, as well as matured. The advancement of my years has taught me the value of letting go, the value of taking people at face value,and the value of appreciation. (I have obviously learned other life lessons as well, many of which feature on this blog, but I will keep this entry to the appointed three.)

Letting Go

I am a blessed individual who shares blood with some of the most charming creatures to walk this planet. Two of my sisters whom I adore exemplify this trait of being able to “just let it go.”

As a human who suffers from grudge-bearing and an inability to forgive the wrongdoings of others in a timely fashion, I greatly admire the ability to simply forgive and let go. If we are frank with ourselves we know that the human condition is a complex one that involves many facets and numerous considerations. The concept of a double standard, which is very annoying, is also extremely fascinating. It is also all too common and I suppose this year I’ve started to realize why. People are ingeniously complicated. There are desires, there are needs, and of course beliefs and feelings are not to be ignored either. I found myself recently, for instance, shamelessly degrading a group of guests who were all supposed to be coming to a party and kept making excuses as to why they couldn't come. One day before the alleged gathering I found myself just about to make my very own excuses! Why? Because life does happen and sometimes we agree to things we should not and hindsight is so much clearer than the present.

Goal: I hope to work this year on letting more go. Even when something upsets me, to just allow myself to feel upset but detach myself from the particulars and just be upset at the situation. One of my sisters taught me this and I think it is bloody liberating. She taught me that it is alright to be upset when someone was rude to me, but not to hate them forever. I can be upset that something rude was said to me. And yet I must entertain the thought that said rude person was having a bad day. I am not going to let it give me a bad life. This, friends, is FREEDOM.

Taking People at face value

For a soul such as mine it is quite effortless to overthink and overanalyze conversations, body language, as well as social expectations and/or interactions. I am fully capable of spending hours determining what someone “really meant.” I can go back and forth with myself on how I if I just did this and that, and maybe this other thing, then X could come to the party even though they wrote “sorry, can’t make it.” This trait of mine can also lead me to be nosey, arrogant, and altogether a prick. This year I began to realize the wisdom of “staying in my business.” I started to grasp the importance of focusing on myself and that rather than being selfish of self centered, it actually frees me to interact with others in a more meaningful and truthful way. I am a more authentic and honest individual when I stick to the facts - and those I can only know for certain about myself. If I try to respond or answer for anyone else I merely make myself a middleman. Or middlewoman, I dare say. In any event, the exact same is true if I ask a third party a question instead of asking the person directly involved! And that, friends, I have learned, is ridiculously silly. So many issues today arise from things like hearsay and gossip, when had we just clarified with the actual person involved we would have gotten to the truth of what was wanted or needed directly! This lesson I am still schooling myself in. The journey is uphill, to say the least. As many of you likely already know, it is one thing to pen an idea so clearly, and quite another to actually do it.

Goal: To mind my own bloody business. I hope to focus on what I can contribute and the rights and wrongs I commit… and stop busying myself with what others are doing or saying.

The Value of Appreciation

We often get told that gratitude lists are helpful and as children are taught to say thank you. I think it’s important as adults to remember to really mean thank you, and to sincerely consider what it may have taken another person to overcome to get to the exact point in time you overlap with them. I can get so arrogant sometimes, that I show complete disregard for a person as a whole, and get stuck in the here and now where I intersect with them. But I am a mere moment or experience. People are very complex and deep and multifaceted. I think as I learn to honour and recognize this reality, I am more and more thankful. A ride from a friend to dinner may seem like no big deal, but had I known he was terrified of getting behind the wheel, had failed his driving test eight times, and also been in accident, well maybe my “thanks!” would have sounded a little more genuine as I slammed the door on my way out of the car. Or maybe I should listen the first time when someone tells me “sorry I won’t be able to make it” and instead of telling myself how flakey they are, and why can’t they just commit to one thing, perhaps I should just say “okay, well I’ll miss you but I understand. I hope everything is ok.” Because you know what? For all I know her aunt/uncle/father/brother/sister/neighbour/friend/you-name-it has unpredictable chemo treatments and she’s the only one who drives in her whole building so she takes them. Honestly, what do I know? And even if I *think* I know, I need to realize I could be wrong. I must remember that as much as we lie to others, we humans are also experts at deceiving ourselves. I think we would be wise to remember this.

Good year to all, and to all a good year!

Blessings for a year of health, prosperity, and joy.

Wishes for happiness, security, and safe havens.

And lastly prayers for a year of growth, contemplation, and smiles so wide that our jaws hurt.

I remain yours etc.,

Shira

שנה שלמה עברה וקשה לי להאמין שאני פה ארבע שנים! כל יום לומדים משהו וגם כל שנה. הנה הדברים שלמדתי השנה ועזרו לי להתבגר עוד טיפה:

1. לשחרר
2. לקבל את המצב/בני אדם בדיוק איך ואיפה שהם עכשיו
3. הכרת הטוב

שנה טובה ומתוקה לכל אחד!

My Sister's Words: a Girl Wise Beyond her Years

Hello Readers,

I have been on a leave of absence from this medium since I was not sure I wanted to put to pen so many inner feelings of mine for the wide world to see. And yet, I find myself missing writing for the blog. I think I will return, but perhaps slowly and with more careful thought to what I post. Regardless, I wanted to publish here a post written by my sister in January. I was a naughty sibling and did not publish it when she submitted it to me. Today I realized I wanted to correct my error and fix my wrong. I found her column and began to read, convinced it would no longer be relevant. I quickly revealed that my little sister is a very wise human being. The thoughts she recorded to share months ago are still so very true at this moment, and indeed, they share a message I need to heed in these very days and moments of my life. I love her so dearly and am so blessed that I get to share a life with such a wise, kind, and beautiful soul. Without further ado, my sister's words:



Hello Shira's blog :) It's an honor making a guest appearance on here. I've been meaning to write something for a long time and I figured as the secular New Year rolls in that it is a good as time as any.

Always at the time of New Year's I take a step back and reevaluate my choices in life.
I think to myself if I'm where I wanna be, if I have fulfilled my goals for the year, if I'm happy with who I am. Is God happy with who I am?
This year started out with a bang 
I quit my evening job on January first. They had texted me two hours before my shift to inform me that someone else was taking my shift. I told them that that was unacceptable. They apologized profusely but I took that as a sign to reevaluate if I was even happy in that job and the answer was no. So I quit. 
January second I got a text from the lady I wanted to buy a car from that she rethought it and decided to sell the car to me for the price I wanted. I was ecstatic! Finally I had done my own adult business deal in Hebrew! I felt so proud of myself. Me and the owner made up to meet on Friday at the post office to switch over the deed and for me to pay her.
Come Thursday afternoon (less then 24 hours of me owning my own car) I receive a text from her saying "I sold my car today to a close relative. Sorry, and best of luck!. 
In the first week of 2018 I quit my job, and lost my future car.

I decided that this was a sign to look at the bright side. Without the expense of buying a car I had already reached my goal of money for my trip to Europe this summer (God willing.)

When one door closes another always open. 

After quitting my evening job I felt like a new person. I felt free and like I was taking back the reins of my life 
Going from working 76.5 hours to 46.5
I had time to do laundry again, clean my room, go to a wedding, see my mother during the week! It felt amazing.

Sometimes when we are having a hard time, we have to step back and just acknowledge that a door  is closing and another will open soon.
Ride the waves as they say :)

If At First You Don't Succeed, Try, Try again--Wow That Get Old

Hello readers,

Today is a cozy stormy day in Israel and seems like the perfect day to compose a blog post. I've just turned on the official Pride and Prejudice soundtrack so I can get straight to it!

The other day I needed to get the phone number of a specific office. I had previously been directed to call a Moked (I guess sort of like an information hotline?). After much procrastination I settled in to do the task. I called the Moked and was immediately bombast-ed by an automated menu all in Hebrew. It was fast, complicated, and unclear. I tried to hit the option I thought I wanted...but it didn't work. I hung up.  I renewed my resolve and redialed. Again the prerecorded list of options was presented to me and this time I tried to hear it all the way through, concluding that I must have missed the "speak with a breathing human being" option. I failed afresh and shut my phone once more.

I hunkered down and called yet again, my resolve staying firm but my annoyance building. I tried and tried to puzzle out the meanings of the lavish verbs and nouns they felt appropriate for the machine to use. For the third time I was unsuccessful in reaching a human being to get the number from and my understanding still disastrous. I dialed the number for a fourth time. The now familiar menu once again said it's piece and I impulsively decided to go with what possibly sounded like the option of speaking with a person if I stretched my imagination very much. It worked! I was put through to a woman who after I explained what I needed was super efficient and kind. The interaction took all of three minutes.

I left this situation in a musing mood. On the one hand I was very proud of myself for getting the number I needed. The whole ordeal was all in Hebrew and I didn't have to ask for help even once. That feeling was amazing. On the other hand, it took me four tries to call a simple line and get a phone number. I'm a twenty-something and I cannot complete a simple phone call. I was disappointed with myself and frustrated that as an Olah a straightforward task becomes such an ordeal.

I realized that this is where I am in my Aliyah. Thank G-d I am able to get many things done*, but it takes me several tries. It is hard for me to get things done correctly the first time, and because I moved here as an already-competent adult, this regression is onerous for me. I have indeed progressed since I first came here when I couldn't do anything and required aid for each undertaking. I am grateful for that but I am still exasperated that I am not as I once was. The echos of a past Shira continuously remind me that I used to be cool, that I used to be independent, and that I used to be  efficient.

As youngsters we are told "if at first you don't succeed try and try again. Well when you're a child and this adage is thrust at you it's easier to take in stride and just try again. But when it feels like you're all grown up and should be able to take care of yourself,  it's less elementary to have another go. Sometimes it's  just a drudge and even though I am thankful I can eventually make the phone call and piece the meaning together, I still miss the old Shira.

*(Please note that not everything can I get done and please don't leave this post thinking that I completely manage and I do get into many scrapes which I may record at another time).

I remain yours etc,
Shira

On the Vexation of Holiday (What a Joy Indeed!)

Dear Readers,

For all of you who have forgotten me, my name is Shira and I have a blog which you are reading and that I am dreadfully naughty at remembering to post on. Updates are in order as is expected when so long of a time span as elapsed since I last wrote.

I have finished my Sherut Leumi  (National Service) and am on vacation. Being on vacation is so delightful that it is actually vexing. Of a sudden, all the goals and aspirations which a mere week previously I felt and held dear to my heart, have thoroughly disintegrated and I find myself wondering why in the world I should ever return to routine, to studies, and pursuing goals that are so tough. Why not, say, spend my life as a Gardner? Or just read novels all day and all night long?

This is how you find me. Suddenly again at a loss of what to do, and when to do it, and also the question of why do I even want to do it. On holiday i find myself with the time to appreciate all the small things and remember my hobbies and petty pleasures. I have conversations I am 100% involved in and I have no nagging worry. I can focus completely on a task and my sister now keeps remarking on how sharp I am. I wake when I like (relatively speaking) and slumber when I wish and in general prance about as I like and lay about lazily and essentially just do as I please. To exist in such a carefree state is pure contentment! And so I find myself disoriented. I did not expect to feel this way after taking such a long while to decide what I wanted to do. After months of carefully planning and what feels like ages of serving the country I had not anticipated this questioning to resurface.

I had not foreseen myself questioning my life path any more but I find myself indeed doing just that. Questioning, however, is healthy and I am not angry at myself, merely puzzled. As I recently advised a close friend of mine, in my opinion before making any important decision it is wise to turn the ideas round and round in our heads and analyze it from any and all angles so that there is an answer to every single naysayer. I want to know why I am doing something just as deeply as I want to know why I am not doing something else. I must defend my ideals to myself and in this I find myself at present, struggling.

Do wish me luck as I wish to you all. In the near future I intend to post more about my reflections on two years of service dedicated to the country as well as host a guest writer.

I remain yours etc,
Shira

  חופש הוא טוב לנפש. להשתחרר אחרי שנתיים של שרות זה כיף וטוב. השרות שלי לא היתה מסוכנת או רעה בכלל אבל בסיום של כל דבר שעושים לתקופה ארוכה יש סיבה לחגוג ולהשתחרר. אני מודה ל 'ה על ההזדמנות לתרום למדינתי ולתת בתקן שהיה כל כך משמועתי לי אשית. זכיתי  מאוד.

Translation: Vacation is good for the soul. To feel release after two years of service is fun and good. My Service wasn't dangerous or bad at all but for any completion of something done for a long period of time there is reason to celebrate and give release. I thank G-d for the opportunity to give to my country and in a job that I found very meaningful personally. I greatly merited.