On Unseen Enemies and my Couch: a Rather Depressing Tale

Dear readers!

I must confess, to feeling a little guilty not having posted sooner, considering the state of the world: That is being trapped in my apartment! 

I should also admit that all the being at home has made me a little uneasy, quite restless, and perhaps even a little less sensible than usual. So bear with my, my dear readers. Join me on a journey of a post that is more “stream of consciousness” than my usual writings and try to be compassionate with your author as she struggles with all these uncomfortable feelings and sensations.

***

I have a sister who lives in the USA and I had emailed her about a week or two ago and to see how she was holding up with the pandemic (although at the time of my email I don’t know if we were calling it that yet). I had written to her that I felt every day I was waking up in a strange dream. My sister replied that it’s not a dream, but a war. She felt it was WWIII. Now, the other world wars were divided into sides and we all knew who was the enemy and who wasn’t. People were bombed and shot, and it was outside forces that attacked. In the case of a virus it’s even worse than a civil war, as the battle is being waged inside our very selves.

Of course some of the obnoxious parts of war are rearing their ugle heads even now, in our current situation: people reporting on those not listening to regulations, buying obscene amounts of food and paper goods, and the like. It is strange to think about an enemy I cannot see. It is bizarre to contemplate that perhaps I have the virus without symptoms, and it violates me silently without me knowing. How do we wage war on something we cannot see? How do we battle an invisible agent?

And yet there is small comfort that I get from realizing the demon this time is not man. There are no guns that threaten me, or knives to menace me. My adversary is tiny and disgusting, but does not plan or plot. There is no moral ground on which to be upset, and no ethical questions to hurl at this criminal. He strikes all the same, he does not make room for politics or religion. There is no “side” to be on, except the side of humanity. Humanity as one large whole, a sum of its parts. There is rugged beauty in this.

I cannot seem to stop myself from asking. How is it that such a tiny little virus stumps humankind in 2020? We have been to the moon and back, we have cars that drive themselves and the internet. We have computers and phones who sync and we have prosthetic legs that allow people missing limbs to run in races. We have X-rays and conveyor belts. We use Zoom and have global stock markets. The pandemic seems almost medieval. We are not accustomed in the 21st century to defeat by disease. We have vaccines, and antibiotics. We use steroids and NSAIDS. We have chemotherapy and radiation. We can keep cancers at bay, and repair brain damage, but suddenly we cannot fight a cold? This is unbearably troubling, and ever so confusing. 

***

I do not shutter my windows;

I wash my hands

I do not wait for rations;

I buy respectfully, one member per cart

I do not dawn a uniform, 

I put on pajamas 

I do not line up for the draft,

I go home and wait on my couch

Those who once were the supporters,

They are now the front line

***

I guess I already knew that I was a social creature, and yet I thought I would be prepared to stay at home. I grew up unschooled, and am sure I spent weeks at home sometimes. But that was different. And it is not that I am bored at home, I have what to do and occupy myself. But my world feels surreal, and I guess I have learned that freedom is not only a physical thing, it is a state of mind. It is the knowledge that I “can” do something or go somewhere and not the actual going or doing that makes me free. It is absurd that the same action (sitting on my couch) can sometimes feel like the epitome of freedom, but today it feels like the embodiment of imprisonment. 

And I think I understand my little sister now, with her need to have a car and be able to move around on her schedule, and at her discretion. Because although me taking the bus to the mall or me driving to the mall ends up with the same outcome, it’s really not the same at all.

***

I open the window to write this post, and the breeze crashes into me. I gulp in fresh air, like a drowned woman and try not to cough with it. That would be bad, in these times you see. Coughing has just about become a crime, or an admittance to a crime. But I digress.

I guess this whole post is kind of one big digression, isn’t it? Trying to organize chaos is, at some point, futile. There are bright spots, Zoom conversations with family members the world over, who I rarely speak with, and lots of reading. But there is a forign and new anxiety and sense of dread that I am not used to. 

This unease is wretched, as I find myself literally itching with uncertainty and beginning to feel sick with worry. All these unknowns, and I am just a millennial not used to unknowns on this magnitude. I am also having a rough time making decisions with so much conjecture and so little fact. I am an individual who has recently began working in earnest on decision making in my personal life, and this pandemic has thrown me into a lot of upheaval in this area. 

I hope I can take from all that is happening a big dose of compassion. I hope I will remember inthe future the weeks where suddenly I identified with the Germaphobes (heck, the whole planet did) and I will recount the days that I suddenly understood anxiety on a personal level. I hope I take this with me, and it assists me in my journey of being Human.

And there is yet more irony: It is the disease from the animals that is teaching us what it means to be human. It is a zoonotic plague that is causing society to ask itself who should decide who lives and dies? Who do we protect and why? The ultimate questions for man have been raised  by animal. 

***

I don’t want to write only sad or depressing things, but I confess that although the sun shines, I feel overcast inside my apartment. There is so much opposing symbolism I am seeing everywhere. I hope next time I pen words on my blog they will be after spending time in the park or market, or having come home from a day at work or school.

 I would like to end with two photographs I took yesterday on a short walk by my apartment. I have taken to calling these walks “sanity” walks because I feel without them I will go insane. 

Photograph one: Mask on Pavement

Photograph two: Man and Nature

I remain yours etc,

Shira

Guest Post: Am Yisrael Chai

Am Yisrael Chai

February 6th, 2002 (18 years ago) I embarked on my personal journey, leaving my close-knit family in Oregon to arrive in the Jewish national homeland of Israel.  At the time, I was 19 and trying to find where I, Dahlia, fit in in this world.

From the hot, clear desert of Arad, to the various bustling, crowded neighborhoods of Jerusalem, a short year in Chashmonaim, before arriving at our current location: the somewhat quiet, Anglo bubble of Beit Shemesh; life has zoomed on before I’ve had a chance to catch up!

I don't have much advice to give others yet, as I'm still learning a lot myself.  However I thought to write a short summery of my life and contributions to Israel so far:

Born in California USA in 1982; home educated until college, graduated with a degree in Food Service Management -with honors.

Made Aliyah in February of 2002, participated in a graduate program in Arad. 

Served in a government ministry in Jerusalem for national service as well as various other volunteering avenues. 

Completed several months of seminary learning in Jerusalem. 

Volunteered helping families and learning Torah in Gush Katif before being “disengaged”. 

Volunteered in Tzvat during the Second Lebanon War – helping the residents, visiting wounded Israeli soldiers, organizing meals and packages, etc. 

Was head chef and kitchen manager of the vegetarian lunches and special events for a seminary in Jerusalem. 

Married to my beloved other half since 2007, full time mother and executive supervisor to our three amazing sabras – born to us in 2008 and 2010 and 2017.

I am a great granddaughter and granddaughter of survivors of the Pogroms and the Holocaust;

Daughter to a father who was a heroic soldier in the Israeli army as a paratrooper medic who served in the Yom Kippur war and who fought to protect the Jewish National Homeland. 

Daughter to his wife who is the most dedicated, supportive and encouraging mother who was also his partner in their family business for 20 years before making aliyah themselves!

Sister to five amazing and unique individuals.

Sister in law to six, almost seven fascinating individuals.

Current aunt to ten superb nieces and four superb nephews.

I couldn’t see myself living anywhere else. Despite the early years of loneliness, the middle years of growth, I look forward to what the future holds.

Am Yisrael Chai!

If you'd only Stop Shouting...The Woes of a New Medical Secretary

Dear Readers, 

Although it is quite shocking, I am posting yet again! This work is from the summer, when I still felt new at my job as a medical Secretary. It is fun to look back, to reminisce, and to recall those very terrifying moments. I am an individual who records best when I am “in the thick of things” and that is why I wrote this piece many months ago. I want to share that these days, I sigh for different reasons at my place of occupation...namely boredom! But thank G-d, I manage. I still feel I help people (even if they are not always grateful) and it is lovely to feel competent. Also, I make phone calls for between six and 10 hours a day, so I am becoming quite efficient at the deed. 

In any case, please enjoy these musings of some months ago, and laugh with me now as we recall...

Brnng brrrrng brrng 

I haven’t even sat down yet and I already hear the annoying buzzing. 

I have just finished a morning at the lab and I took the bus over. Yes, I don’t only work here. Yes I have a bachelors of science and yes I am involved in cancer research, and yes I try to help humanity. I really do try.

 It’s 87 F outside and walking down the hill has made me sweaty. 

I just want to sit down to look who is on call today, and who has appointments open so I can answer your questions quickly and correctly. I haven’t even fully sat down before the woman pounces on me. “What do I do now?” she asks? “I just finished my x-ray and blood work.” I look around and try to orient myself to who she is and what she wants from me. My brain rapidly processes that most likely she is here for a green card, that she was signed in by someone else who told you to come back to them after your x ray and blood work. 

“Just have a seat and wait for the doctor to call you,” I patiently reply to Mrs. Visa ‘s question. I sigh internally. 

I open the computer program and start to look at the schedule. I still have five minutes until I officially get on shift. “Ahem,” a loud voice grumbles. There are three other secretaries and I’m seated at the last computer in the corner with my head bent intently towards the screen. I have actually practiced by slight and intense frown when I’m staring at the computer so people will see I am busy. It never seems to work, however. I continue staring at the screen not because I don’t want to help Mr. Ahem, but rather because if I don’t figure out who is on call I won’t be able to book appointments or direct any of the phone calls I am about to start answering. 

Brnng brrrrng brrng 

Without moving my head, my fingers deftly move to the phone pad to put the incoming call on hold until someone can answer it. I have just figured out who is on call when a shrill voice says “I have an appointment with Dr. B, two o-clock.” I am forced to wrench my gaze up but the woman has already left, and I find myself staring at a very angry Mr. Ahem who thinks I’ve ignored him to help Ms. Shrill instead of himself who has been patiently, I am sure he thinks that’s how he’s been,waiting for five whole minutes!

“I need my prescriptions!” he shouts in my face. I sigh audibly this time, and as I take his card he has all but thrust in my face, I try to quickly sign in Ms. Shrill. She hasn’t passed her card this quarter. I’ll need to track her down to do so. Keeping this third sigh inside, I reach for the binders to find Mr. Ahem his prescriptions. I look through the whole section where his last name should be. I look twice. I see nothing. Bracing myself for an explosion, I say as politely as I can muster “I am sorry (really I am) but I don’t see your prescription here. Go check with the nurses and see if they have it by them.” He doesn’t even think I deserve a response, he just huffs loudly and marches to the nurses station. 

I look down and see three phone calls need to be answered. I decide I need to jump in. 

“Hello it’s the family medical clinic, good afternoon.”

“WHY DON’T YOU ANSWER THE PHONE!? I’VE BEEN WAITING TEN MINUTES!” 

I gingerly lift the phone away from my ear so I won’t go deaf. I haven’t even been here for ten minutes, but of course I haven’t answered her phone call. 

“Yes, I’m sorry it’s a bit busy here.” I try to go for a sweet tone but I worry it’s come out a little sour. 

“Well, Dr. N didn’t call me back yet and I need that referral right now! I’m in the office of the podiatrist.” 

Well lady of the foot, I love how you think I know exactly what you’re talking about. I love how you are already in the office of the podiatrist and you don’t have the referral. 

“What’s your name?” I ask. I’m gonna see if there’s anything in the wall. 

“GAVRIELLA L!”  she screams. I wonder to myself why she finds this basic question so offensive. I turn to the wall and look under L. No referral for our Lady of the foot.

I pick the phone back up to report this to her. She is NOT happy. “But I left him a message this morning!” Oh, too bad she didn’t start by saying that.”

“Hang on just one sec,” I go for a soothing tone. I don’t think she’s buying it but I put her on hold before I can hear her complaints. I quickly search this morning’s messages and sure enough there at 8:05 is a message labeled URGENT! for Dr. N from her. He hasn’t read the message yet. Oh dear.

Making sure she is still on hold, I dial Dr. N’s number. 

“Yes?” he answers curtly. He’s clearly in the middle of seeing a patient. My interrupting him will only slow him down and make him run later, but no one seems to understand this. 

“Sorry to bother you,” I start apologetically. At least with him I can hear that my tone has an effect, “It’s ok” he says more softly. I hurriedly explain lady of the foot’s predicament and he affirms my sinking suspicion that he has absolutely no idea what I or she is talking about. “I’ll write her a referral anyway though, just as soon as I finish here.” He hangs up. 

Brnng brrrrng brrng 

I ignore the terribly buzzing of the phones to update Lady of the Foot. She is not happy and lets me know it. The way she is going on, you would think not only that I was her doctor and had the ability to write her a referral and was simply withholding doing so just to bother her, but that I had known about it and had forgotten! 

Finally I get off the phone with her. I glance up, and six people are waiting to be helped. Only one other secretary is sitting with me. While I was on the phone, one of them got up to go work on projects and the other one has...maybe gone to the bathroom? I am sure they told me, or tried to. I guess I didn’t hear them. The girl next to me is trapped on the phone with the insurance of the man with the wailing child standing by her. She’ll be on the line with them for a while it seems.

I quickly ask “who’s next?”

Three people just need to be signed in to their appointments and they all brought their medical cards. Thank G-d. Next is a woman who wants to pay for an X-ray. She asks how much it is and I say one moment since I have to look her up by name to see if she’s supposed to get a discount. She looks a little confused. It is weird that I wouldn't know the price of something that I obviously do every day. I know she doesn’t realize that different patients get different prices, but it doesn’t lesson the blow to my ego when she looks at me like I’m an idiot. 

“It’s 50 shekel,” I tell her. She hands me her credit card and we quickly finish the transaction.

Meantime my coworker has finished the phone call and managed to help the remaining people in line. She has somehow also managed to answer all three waiting phone calls. Man, when will I ever stop feeling so new?

For a rare moment there is quiet. I reach for my mobile just to check...BAM!

Up waltzes Dr. M “מי פנוי, מי פנוי?” he sings as he waves a sheaf of papers at the desk. I raise my hand and he tells me to make him copies of these five pages, fax those other two pages, and the patient who is trailing behind him was a “returning visit, rash on face.” 

I nod, and set the sheaf of papers down. I take payment from the kind tourist who is patient. Then I set to work faxing and copying. 

It’s been 45 minutes since I got to work. It’s going to be a long day. 

Brnng brrrrng brrng 

I remain yours etc,

Shira

Smart Phone, Stupid Decisions: Why My Smartphone Makes Me Dumb

Dear Readers,

Many, many months have passed since I journaled here, and that's a shame indeed. It is sometimes hard in life to find the time to write out what I am feeling and experiencing, and yet it is the very act of recording events in my life which helps me process them. Alas, life is like that: Often what we want isn't what we need, and what we need isn't what we want. And much of life is not only complex and grey, but it is seemingly unfair. 

As a growth-oriented individual, it seems only natural to pen my thoughts on issues I am currently pondering. I have been thinking recently about my smartphone. I love my smartphone, but I also detest it. As much as I cherish all the blessings it brings into my life (which I will shortly list) it also brings with it numerous responsibilities and unpleasantness (which I will also directly address). 

Why I love my smartphone:

-I get to see photographs of my adorable and sweet nieces and nephews on a daily basis. What a treat!

-The World Wide Web is at my fingertips. Any inquiry I suddenly have, any topic I suddenly fancy is  just a simple click away. This is bloody amazing. It makes for a more informed Shira, and helps to encourage my constant curiosity, a lifelong companion of mine. 

- I can call and message people in mere seconds. Communication in the current century is something truly spectacular and incredibly easy to take for granted. 

-Calendar and Reminders! What's the secret to being that true friend who always calls at the exact right time? Who remembers every time you have a test or a doctors appointment? Putting a reminder in your phone! 


Why I despise my smart phone:

-It controls my life, and I am a slave to it. I am conditioned to it's ring, and chained to it's notification sounds. I feel like it makes my decisions for me. It's always one step ahead of me and I follow, somewhat helpless, in it's wake as it dictates my daily choices and actions.

-Brain space. I cannot fully focus on work, books, conversations, dishes I am cooking, or really anything when the little troublesome device is around, seducing me with it's flashing lights and alluring vibrations. 

-Social media. As inspiring and attractive as these platforms can be (and they do spread an unbelievable amount of good in the world), they also distort reality, and shift the focus from the beauty of a photo or post, to the amount of likes or shares it gets. Our human brains cannot help but make the obvious conclusion: the more 'likes' or 'shares' something has the more true that it must be. But wait, what? Does that even make any sense?

-Facebook, specifically, seems to create an environment where strangers feel comfortable to tear others down, without basis or reason, and certainly without familiarity of the person. It happened to me and to my friends. It's truly disgusting the amount  of bullying one can expect when opening up their Facebook page.


-My attention span. I struggle to make it through a film without glancing at my little screen. I have to push myself to continue reading the chapters of my book without pausing to just check if anyone wrote me, or see if there is a new photo I should see. 

-I get a false sense of friendship and this affects my emotional state. If I don't get any messages I feel sad, unpopular, and despondent. This is absurd! I know this on an intellectual level, and yet I can't help the unfounded feelings of rejection and worthlessness that wash through me when I unlock the screen only to see no new notifications.


And so, friends, for many months I have been trying to figure out a way to stop. I tried not being on my smart phone for 12 hours, from 7pm to 7am. I think I lasted fifteen minutes. I realized that the more pressure I put on myself, the more stressed and obsessive I got. So I backed down, and decided to start smaller. I put my phone on airoplane mode before I went to sleep. Not only is this a good decision health-wise, but it is an empowering personal choice: I, Shira the human being, get to decide when I don't want to receive any more stimulation at night. I get to determine if I will be woken from the buzzing of my phone, or if I can just look in the morning.

Around this time, I also realized that even if I didn’t go on a “phone fast” for 12 hours, I could still choose blocks of time I wasn’t on my phone. I started just leaving my phone in the back while I was at work, or setting it on my bed while I went to sit with my family in the den. My, oh my, what a lovely thing this is! I began to find myself more present, more sharp, and more kind. Suddenly, my mind was clear and I could remember things from long ago, or make intelligent connections. I feel like my mind was sitting in goop and now it’s been cleaned out.


The biggest take-away for me was an understanding with myself that I am in control of my smart phone, and not it of me. If there are days I want to be on it all day, and be distracted that is okay, it is my choice and my call. And when I want to focus, to be present, to think, or even to daydream, then I can put my phone down and walk away. 

There is beauty in balance

There is power in gradual-ity

And there is value in being truly present

I remain yours etc,
Shira

Happy 5 Year Aliyah Anniversary!

A couple Haikus to mark the auspicious day:

Five years ago today

I left my home to come home

Oh how strange that is 

Israel is my home

People cut in line and shout

Israel is my home

The Much Expected and Grossly Overdone “New Year Reflection” Post

Dearest Readers,

Here I am, like every other blogger, writing a reflective post bidding 2018 farewell and welcoming 2019. I find myself in a place in life where it is much simpler for me to reflect on my past than try to predict my future. This post, then, will echo that sentiment, and focus generally on what was and not on what may or may not come to pass.

I will note that my dearest sister penned some lovely thoughts and accomplishments of her year, and I was inspired not only by her words, but by the structure of her writing. I shall attempt to also mold my post into a work easy to follow and navigate. Please note that both my list of epiphanies and my list of philosophical queries are too lengthy to explore each item in this blog post. Therefore, I shall limit them to an index of topics that may or may not be analysed at a later date on this platform.

The following caveat must, I think, be stated: The year 2018 was not an easy year. I am aware that many people say this, and I think that although some may think this cheapens the thought, perhaps it lends some clarity and even empathy to the fact that many people struggle.

Philosophy:

This year I was privileged to have some great discussions with several sensitive, intuitive, and sharp minds. My sister was one of my foremost comrades in my musings and I cherish her for that.  A sample of some of my philosophical queries follows (certainly each discussion demands a post of its own, and may one day even materialize):

• Veganism as a religious value and concept
• Personal growth in the context of Nature vs. Nurture
• Facing one’s fears: universal or personality-dependant
• Meeting society’s expectations and living with the decisions that ensue
• Human accountability and the hypocritical temptations of judgment (especially in politics)  

Travel:

I was blessed with the opportunity to travel this year. I had never before boarded a plane for mere pleasure (excluding my Taglit trip) and I enjoyed getting to experience touring a foreign country with no real “purpose” aside from enjoying myself. I learned a few valuable lessons from my wanderings. Presumably the greatest knowledge gained was that in this century I am not trapped in my country. I do not need to live in forests and next to waterfalls to revel in their glory… I can just visit them. This glaringly obvious understanding thoroughly changed me. I returned to Israel content and peaceful in a way I hadn’t been since moving. I spent months and months mourning the loss the smell of the forest after rain and the feel of moss beneath my fingertips. My travels taught me that I can be satisfied with the climate and culture I choose to spend my day-to-day life in, and if I need a break or have the opportunity, I can go seek those comforts elsewhere. They didn’t really disappear.

While traveling I also came to understand that it is important to have opinions about things to see and places to be. Being easy-going all the time is not entirely healthy. It is good to remain flexible but it is also imperative to assert oneself regarding issues that are important to a person and even personal preferences.

Personal Growth:

I underwent several personal developments  and realizations this year, which I daresay is not only expected, but furthermore desirable.

• I recognized that I enjoy being out of doors.  

• I had an epiphany where I realized the difference between personal accountability at all times and relying on family and close friends.

• I explored my personality type (“type one”) and contrasted it with those of others close to me.

• I painfully learned what it means to achieve failure.

• I learned (and still am learning) to sift through friends and sort out those who really care for one another and are healthy from those that are, not to offend, basket cases.

• I started experiencing feelings so strong and tumultuous that I lack words to describe and articulate them. Now that, dear readers, for an individual who takes comfort from the written word and finds shelter in the arms of language, is truly terrifying.

Although it is overdone indeed, I shall like to close with gratitude. I want to thank my parents and siblings for their continuous support, sensitivity, and understanding of the being who is before you on this page, despite the pandemonium she sometimes caused and experienced this year. I want to acknowledge those wise souls who listened to and guided me through varied rough patches this year--you know who you are, and thank you so much. I want to take a moment to recognize those who fought and fell before me so I would have the right to be sitting here writing a blog post. Thank you.

אני באמת אף פעם באמת לא יודעת מה לרשום בסופי הפוסטים שלי. אני עוד לא ברמה שאני יכולה לכתוב מה שכתבתי והסברתי באנגלית. לפיכך אני אשאל "איך חיים?" החיים ... מזיזים וממשיכים. אני לא אגיד שאני לא באיבוד, אלא נדמה לי שאני סוג של גרה באיבוד. למרות זאת, אני מתקדמת, צעד צעד.  כשאני מסתכלת אחורה בשנת 2018 אני רואה תמונה שהיא מטושטשת. הרגשות נפלאות וחוויות חבל על הזמן. אבל אני גם רואה חושך וכאב. החיים הם לא פשוטים, ואני מקווה ששנה הבא תביא תמונה ברורה יותר. מעל זה, אני מאוד מקווה שאפילו אם חפצים שנמצאים בתוך התמונה לא משתפרים, שאני אלמד איך לכוון את העדשה.

Translation: I really never know how to end my posts in Hebrew. I still haven't reached the level where I can write and explain what I wrote in English. Therefore, I’ll just ask “how’s life?” Life...moves and goes on. I won’t say I’m not lost, rather I sort of live in Lost. Despite this, I progress: step by step. When I look back at 2018 I see a blurry photograph. Feelings that were wonderful and experiences out of this world. But I also see darkness and pain. Life, isn't simple and I hope that next year brings a clearer picture. Even more so, I really hope that even if the items inside the  photograph don’t improve, that I will learn how to adjust the lens.

I remain yours etc,

Shira

Shana Tova!

BS”D

Hello dear readers,

Another year, and another month for introspection and reflection. I have aged, as is the common practice, as well as matured. The advancement of my years has taught me the value of letting go, the value of taking people at face value,and the value of appreciation. (I have obviously learned other life lessons as well, many of which feature on this blog, but I will keep this entry to the appointed three.)

Letting Go

I am a blessed individual who shares blood with some of the most charming creatures to walk this planet. Two of my sisters whom I adore exemplify this trait of being able to “just let it go.”

As a human who suffers from grudge-bearing and an inability to forgive the wrongdoings of others in a timely fashion, I greatly admire the ability to simply forgive and let go. If we are frank with ourselves we know that the human condition is a complex one that involves many facets and numerous considerations. The concept of a double standard, which is very annoying, is also extremely fascinating. It is also all too common and I suppose this year I’ve started to realize why. People are ingeniously complicated. There are desires, there are needs, and of course beliefs and feelings are not to be ignored either. I found myself recently, for instance, shamelessly degrading a group of guests who were all supposed to be coming to a party and kept making excuses as to why they couldn't come. One day before the alleged gathering I found myself just about to make my very own excuses! Why? Because life does happen and sometimes we agree to things we should not and hindsight is so much clearer than the present.

Goal: I hope to work this year on letting more go. Even when something upsets me, to just allow myself to feel upset but detach myself from the particulars and just be upset at the situation. One of my sisters taught me this and I think it is bloody liberating. She taught me that it is alright to be upset when someone was rude to me, but not to hate them forever. I can be upset that something rude was said to me. And yet I must entertain the thought that said rude person was having a bad day. I am not going to let it give me a bad life. This, friends, is FREEDOM.

Taking People at face value

For a soul such as mine it is quite effortless to overthink and overanalyze conversations, body language, as well as social expectations and/or interactions. I am fully capable of spending hours determining what someone “really meant.” I can go back and forth with myself on how I if I just did this and that, and maybe this other thing, then X could come to the party even though they wrote “sorry, can’t make it.” This trait of mine can also lead me to be nosey, arrogant, and altogether a prick. This year I began to realize the wisdom of “staying in my business.” I started to grasp the importance of focusing on myself and that rather than being selfish of self centered, it actually frees me to interact with others in a more meaningful and truthful way. I am a more authentic and honest individual when I stick to the facts - and those I can only know for certain about myself. If I try to respond or answer for anyone else I merely make myself a middleman. Or middlewoman, I dare say. In any event, the exact same is true if I ask a third party a question instead of asking the person directly involved! And that, friends, I have learned, is ridiculously silly. So many issues today arise from things like hearsay and gossip, when had we just clarified with the actual person involved we would have gotten to the truth of what was wanted or needed directly! This lesson I am still schooling myself in. The journey is uphill, to say the least. As many of you likely already know, it is one thing to pen an idea so clearly, and quite another to actually do it.

Goal: To mind my own bloody business. I hope to focus on what I can contribute and the rights and wrongs I commit… and stop busying myself with what others are doing or saying.

The Value of Appreciation

We often get told that gratitude lists are helpful and as children are taught to say thank you. I think it’s important as adults to remember to really mean thank you, and to sincerely consider what it may have taken another person to overcome to get to the exact point in time you overlap with them. I can get so arrogant sometimes, that I show complete disregard for a person as a whole, and get stuck in the here and now where I intersect with them. But I am a mere moment or experience. People are very complex and deep and multifaceted. I think as I learn to honour and recognize this reality, I am more and more thankful. A ride from a friend to dinner may seem like no big deal, but had I known he was terrified of getting behind the wheel, had failed his driving test eight times, and also been in accident, well maybe my “thanks!” would have sounded a little more genuine as I slammed the door on my way out of the car. Or maybe I should listen the first time when someone tells me “sorry I won’t be able to make it” and instead of telling myself how flakey they are, and why can’t they just commit to one thing, perhaps I should just say “okay, well I’ll miss you but I understand. I hope everything is ok.” Because you know what? For all I know her aunt/uncle/father/brother/sister/neighbour/friend/you-name-it has unpredictable chemo treatments and she’s the only one who drives in her whole building so she takes them. Honestly, what do I know? And even if I *think* I know, I need to realize I could be wrong. I must remember that as much as we lie to others, we humans are also experts at deceiving ourselves. I think we would be wise to remember this.

Good year to all, and to all a good year!

Blessings for a year of health, prosperity, and joy.

Wishes for happiness, security, and safe havens.

And lastly prayers for a year of growth, contemplation, and smiles so wide that our jaws hurt.

I remain yours etc.,

Shira

שנה שלמה עברה וקשה לי להאמין שאני פה ארבע שנים! כל יום לומדים משהו וגם כל שנה. הנה הדברים שלמדתי השנה ועזרו לי להתבגר עוד טיפה:

1. לשחרר
2. לקבל את המצב/בני אדם בדיוק איך ואיפה שהם עכשיו
3. הכרת הטוב

שנה טובה ומתוקה לכל אחד!