On Being Problematic and the Reality of not Giving a Poo

Dear readers,

I think I've changed. Actually, I believe I have become so altered that my former self would not be able to recognize me now (see the title of this post; most shocking!). I am approaching three years of being in this country and I am slowly acclimating to the culture and expectations here. However, I don't like what and who I am becoming.

I am in the process now of trying to attend a summer course while finishing my national service. I shall spare you all the gruesome particulars but essentially my boss agrees I should go and is willing to vouch for me and yet the national service people are adamantly opposed and feel I cannot do this. Without entering all the details, a conversation I had with my coordinator for national service went something like this:

Her: What? No no that's too many hours and days it's really not ok.

Me: Well I have permission from my boss so it really should be fine.

Her: No that’s not enough, it's not up to him. I can talk to so and so but it's really an issue.

Me: Ok but how is it an issue? Want me to talk to so and so?

Her: No, I will. But it's just very problematic.

Me: So what should I do?

Her: Give up. Push it off or do the course later. Or give up your service. It's just so problematic.

Me: *And here is where I really surprised myself* Ok. Is there anyone else I should get permission from perhaps? Are you sure you don't want me to talk to so and so?

In that moment I simply progressed with the conversation. I wasn't mean or aggressive but I was quite frankly unphased. I was non-pulsed by being called problematic. I began to reflect on what my response would have been a few years ago and I was aghast at my composure. If someone had said that what I was requesting or that I myself was problematic I once would have burst into tears. I would have struggled with being a "problem" for anybody. I used to shudder at being disliked but now…now I suppose I'm ok with it. I have begun to recognize that I can't win everyone over. Somebody, somewhere, at some point in time won't like me. I need to come to grips with this.

I am by nature what is often called "a people pleaser." I usually say the correct thing to placate the right people because I dislike confrontation and I can't live with the thought that someone doesn’t like me. I don't want to fight. I want everyone to love me, always. However, I am realizing this is impractical and vaguely childish. Pop stars have been singing about haters for decades and indeed "the haters are gonna hate." My epiphany is "so what?" I am not being lacksidaiscal, I am being pragmatic. I observe my surroundings and I see that on a day-to-day basis I am easy enough to work with. People in my ward don't complain about me, and on the contrary I am told I am very well liked and appreciated for what I do. If I'm problematic well, I guess yes, yes I am. Sorry you'll have to deal with that.

This kind of newfound gall in myself I have discovered is either completely new, or otherwise it has resurfaced from the deep recesses of my half Israeli hybrid self. I guess it's like taking the phrase "not my problem" and going above and beyond with it. When I studied in my course for phlebotomy I was told similar things. My then coordinator was shouted at on the phone for my request to have help translating my exams into English. She was verbally harassed as they told her ever so impolitely that this program was for Hebrew speakers, who did I think I was to make requests like this? This simply wasn't done, and this was the first and last time they would do it etc. We went ahead with it, however, and I am so glad we did as I find a lot of meaning and purpose in my service.

Until this point in my post I was very cool. Until I got a very nasty phone call from my coordinator. I was accused of being a liar, and told off for trying to convince others to lie for me including a prestigious professor. I was very taken aback on the phone and I could hear my voice falter. Still, I tried to understand. I told the coordinator I didn't understand and she proceeded to lecture me on how I did indeed understand but I was just trying to make everything go my way and get what I want. I was aghast. I felt assaulted, violated, and very, very, very misunderstood. I am an immigrant! How    dare you tell me I understand when I'm telling you that I don’t!

And all this in an exclusively hebrew conversation as this coordinator frequently informs me she

doesn't understand one word of English.

Afterwards the coordinator of the hospital came on the phone line and wonder of wonders, this 

woman (who usually disfavors me and has made it clear on several occasions I am far from her favorite person) and she of all people tried to help me. It was extraordinary. She decided to extend her hand and try to make it work. Perhaps she was having a good day? Perhaps she was remembering the time I did her a huge favor and translated a document for her which was totally out of my range of duties but I did it for her since I'm nice? Whatever it was, she decided to try to help me try to make it work.

 I have been writing this post for something like a fortnight and each time I sit back down to it, new events have transpired. I still do not have all the paperwork in my hands but today I physically faced the coordinator who was so rude to me and we were fine. I will likely never understand why we are fine, but somehow we sat down together and there was no drama. She was so insulting on the phone and yet there we were smiling at each other. Showing my face reminded her of the papers and we are once again in the process of working it out. Only time will tell if I really will be able to do the summer course.

I don't really know what to think I suppose. What started out as me being ready to embrace my gall in the first part of this post, transformed into my anger and hurt at being spoken to in such a nasty tone, which then become annoyance and reluctant acceptance of how things are playing out and work here.  I call daily the summer course program to find out if I have more paperwork to do and no one picks up the phone. I try to stay on the straight and narrow, but am scolded or simply not answered. The real change in me is that now, I keep ploughing through because if I don't, no one will for me. I've learned that if  I let people, they'll just walk all over me. Is that a good thing to learn? Is this the proper way to feel? I really don't know.

I remain pensive and yours etc,

Shira

כל העניין הזה מאוד מתסכל אותי. מעצבן ברמות ואפילו שאני לא אוהבת להגיד את זה "אין לי כוח." אני מתחילה לשאול את עצמי אם אני בדרך הנכונה אם זה כל כך קשה ויש בוץ בכל פינה. כבר לא יודעת מה אני ואיפה אני בחיי. כנראה נראה.

Translation: This whole matter really frustrates me. It's super annoying and even though I hate saying this "I have no energy." I'm starting to ask myself if I'm on the right path if it's so hard and there's mud in every corner. I already don’t know what and where I am in my life. I guess we'll see.