On radio broadcasts, fences, and being too wordy: a rather depressing piece of journal

Hello,

Life is interesting. Today was definitely one of those days where:

a) I was in utter despair and realized I will never be fluent in Hebrew or understand anything and will forever feel like a difficult 2 year old who struggles with communication.

b) I laughed at a joke thinking it was about how to "find" someone, only to have it pointed out to me that it was actually about how someone was "dressed."

c) I nearly asked for a "train" on my hot chocolate instead of "whip cream" (but actually my sister ordered so that didn't happen).

d) I couldn't for the life of me get out a question in clear enough Hebrew for my teacher to understand, so all day others had to ask for me very basic questions. :(

e) I realized my closest friend for the next twenty years will probably be a dictionary.

But I know that all of this will pass. And one day, I will laugh and tell people "Pshhh, learning Hebrew is easy. It just takes a few months..."

But what if I don't?

Sometimes I worry I will never be fluent. I worry that I will never be as comfortable here as I was where I used to live. I miss being confidant. I miss walking with a purpose. I miss looking people in the eye because I felt able to be friendly. I miss making jokes. I miss understanding jokes, and laughing for the actual punch-line. I miss reading a meme without using google translate. I miss walking into a bookstore and smiling in wonder instead of entering and quivering in fright, or even worse, turning directly around and walking out because after just one look inside I feel utterly despondant.

"The day will come" they say....

Yeah, people always say that. "Shira, you're too dramatic," They say that too. Maybe I am, but the feelings are real to me. And no, I didn't think about most of these things when I lived in America, I never contemplated ordering coffee, or how I liked to smile at people when they passed, or how much I loved to read memes, I just existed in a state of understanding most of went one around me. But now, I actually do think about these things. It's like here is Shira, but but between her soul and the rest of the world there is this glass wall. But it is a one-sided glass wall. I can see out, but people here can't see in. And the worst part is, sometimes the glass on my side gets clouded, and then no one can see. But you know what? The old me was a radio broadcast. I used to send out pieces of me to many people, share with them thoughts and comments, laugh...at the correct part of the joke...

"Maybe you will be different here Shira, let go of the old you..."

Okay, easier said than done. People tell me I need to do that, to not be attached to an idea of how I was in English, or in America. But wow, it's hard to create a new you. And really, HOW ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO MAKE A NEW YOU WHEN YOU DONT EVEN HAVE THE WORDS FOR IT???

"Life isn't just about words Shira..."

True. But words describe feelings, and in a way feelings are limited by the words that can articulate and express them. It's kind of like a fence, but a fence that has to contain a cloud, or fog. A feeling has so many aspects to it: chemical components, psychological components, etc, And so we try to take this ethereal mass, this glob of past experiences, chemical reactions being felt right now, and more, and we try to express it with words. The fence tries to do its job, but it's not really ever going to be able to do it fully. And then when you are learning a new language, the fence is all broken. Forget it...

I wanted to write about a more posative expereince that happened last week, but this isn't the post for it. Sorry.

"You write too long Shira, why can't you be more concise?"

Yes I do. I write long, and I'm wordy, and verbose, long-winded, and I never shut up. That's how I write, that's how I think. If it's too much for you, then don't read. Read something I write in Hebrew, I'm super concise there.

Yours etc,
Shira